After Lina died, I tried to remember what she smelled like. I loved her smell. I knew, though, that if I ever smelled it again, I’d recognize it.
When Cole died, I put all his “stuff” and memories in the pack-n-play we have set up in our room. When Lina died, I did the same. I didn’t have a lot of things for them, but (together with the gifts, sympathy cards & funeral memories) it fills the P&P. I’ve just left it there, in the corner. I don’t really look at it. The other day, I decided it was time to start. I didn’t get very far. I did find a “Patient Belongings” bag that I brought home from the NICU. It contained her laundry – a blanket and 2 or 3 onesies that she had worn. So I put them in the washer. And I used the Dreft. Even though they didn’t really need to be all soft and gentle anymore. It was my last load of laundry for her.
When I took them out of the dryer, I buried my face in the warm fabric. It was Lina’s smell. It was my Jelly Bean. It’s nice to know how easy it will be to trigger those sweet memories.
Cole smelled like baby powder. That’s because, the one and only time I held him, the nurses had gotten him ready, taking off his wires and tubes, and rubbing him in baby lotion before dressing him. I miss him too.