Yes, I am *that* mom.

Yesterday I took Annika to the park. And there was a mom there with her twins. I thought to myself what I always think when I see moms with twins in my town. “You don’t think you know me, but you probably do. I’m that mom whose babies died last year. You probably prayed for Lina when she got so sick and we were still hoping she’d be OK. You may have cried for us when you learned that she died. You surely hugged your babies extra close that night. Maybe you even left a bag of groceries or a meal on our doorstep the next couple of weeks.”

I joined my local Mothers of Multiples (MOMs) club when I was on bedrest, a week, maybe two, before Cole & Lina were born. i even signed up for a playgroup for Annika, so I could meet local MOMs and get their good advice. After they were born, I didn’t reach out to the group…out of a kind of paralysis, I guess. But a sweet friend, another mom of twins from far away, reached out to them for me. I think it was after Cole had died actually, and they put me in touch with another beautiful mom who had lost one of her sweet baby girls. We met for coffee and talked about how hard it was to mourn for one baby and still maintain hope and strength (and joy) for the other. She was inspiring.

Then when Lina got sick, she organized meals for us. She posted on our MOMs bulletin board, and I received so many words of support. I know Lina and Cole deeply touched peoples’ hearts. And I know many would remember me.

And every time I see a mom with twins, I want to tell her “I have twins too”. I want to compare stories. But of course, my story is so horrible…it would only make the other mom sad. So I just smile. And I don’t say anything. My MOMs club membership is expiring any day now. I won’t renew it. Although I am and always be a mom of twins, I don’t feel like I belong in “the club”. I don’t want to read the messages about the best stroller for two. It’s too hard to get the reminders about the tag sales. I would love to bring Annika to the Halloween parties, the picnics…but those are for the twins. Of course, nobody would turn me away…but seeing all the twins. That would be hard. And maybe people would secretly wonder what I was doing there.

Giving up that dream has been hard. Hard.