Christmas 2007

family-xmas.jpgwas rough.  I’d be lying if I said I felt much other than sadness when I look at this picture.  We should have had our family picture in front of the Christmas tree, with two adorable healthy little babies dressed in pink and blue.  There should have been 5 of us.  Not 4, huddled in a corner of a hospital room.  I know. I should be happy that Lina is doing so well.  I should be celebrating her progress.  I should be thankful for my two beautiful little girls.  And I am.  But the sadness, the emptiness overwhelms it.  I can’t help it.  But there it is. Our family photo. 

And missing my mom has made it all just that much harder.  How many times this season have I wanted to call her – to ask her about a recipe, for example.  That’s something I will never ever be able to do again.  “Hey mom, can you send me that recipe for that thing you used to make…” It’s something so simple, but it breaks my heart.  I’ve wanted to talk to her about the presents I got Annika.  To make a list of the ideas for her to send.  There were no presents under the tree from Grandma this year. And Grandma used to have so much fun shopping for her.  IT’S NOT FAIR!!! I just want to scream.   I know it’s cliche, and I know it’s not useful, but “WHY ME”?  “WHY US”?  Why did this all have to happen? 

 When she was sick and I was there with her, it was strange. I felt sad, but also very matter-of-fact about things.  I did what I had to do.  I knew what was coming and there was nothing I could do to change things, so I just tried to spend as much time with her as I could while “getting things done” (taking care of the house, taking care of Annika, trying to work remotely and so on).  I didn’t let myself step back and think about ‘the big picture’ (the big picture being not having any parents left, my children growing up without their grandparents, losing the ties with my childhood…).  All of that is hitting me now.  Hitting me hard.  And it hurts.  A lot.

marbles.jpg

And I miss my dad, too.  It’s been almost 5 years since he died. But it still feels so empty without him.  I think about him so much when I look at Annika.  He’d have been such an amazing, devoted, doting grandpa.  I cannot even believe that he didn’t get to meet her…or her him.  I think the biggest hit this year, toy-wise, was a big box of marbles.  As she laid on the floor on Christmas Day, playing with her marbles, I could just see him there on the floor with her.  Teaching her how to shoot them. 
Why couldn’t things have been different?

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About Me

I'm a grieving mom. I have one beautiful daughter, Annika, who's 3 years old now (born 12/28/04). I also had twins, Lina and Cole, on 10/04/07, born at just 26 weeks. We lost Cole after just 23 days due to complications related to his prematurity. Fiesty little Lina overcame so much and just when she was getting ready to come home with us, suddenly had a complication unrelated to her prematurity and passed away on January 11, 2008. This blog is about getting through it. More...

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