I don’t think I’m strong enough for this.

It’s only been like an hour since I last posted, but I think I’ve aged 10 years.  Our nurse was doing her care and suctioning her.  When she plugged the ventilator back in, her chest wasn’t “jiggling” like it should (with the 400 breaths per minute she shakes).  So she called the fellow to come look.   Meanwhile, I was looking at her stats. Her saturation seemed a little low, but not horrible, and her heartrate looked “normal” (in the 150s-160s) and I commented on it because it’s been so high due to the sepsis.  A few minutes later I hear her nurse oh-so-quietly tell someone on the phone that her heartrate was low.  About a minute later the attending physician was there.  I asked him about her heartrate and he said it wasn’t a good sign.  Because she’s septic, she should be in the 190s.  The room quickly filled up, and I paced back and forth outside crying.

Turns out there was some kind of plug in her respiratory tube, which the head respiratory doc got out…and then everything went back to where it should be.

When he said we’re not out of the woods, he was really not kidding.  This is hard.  It’s harder than the first time around.  When they were born, it was difficult, but when you give birth at 26 weeks, you kind of know to expect a rough road.  And we travelled that road.  But we thought we were past all that.  She was supposed to come home within a couple of weeks.  She was doing great!  And now this.  It’s hour by hour again. Minute by minute.  I don’t feel like I can do it.


6 Responses to “I don’t think I’m strong enough for this.”

  1. 1 P.Williams January 10, 2008 at 3:02 pm

    You are strong enough. You amaze me with your strength. It’s not fiar that you should have to be so strong, but you can do it. You have 2 beautiful little girls counting on you and they are so lucky to have you. I don’t know why God has chosen this path for you (and I pray that thing only get better from here) but you can handle it. If you ever need to talk email me and I’ll gladly give you my phone number so you can call anytime day or night. I know it’s not much and I wish I could help out financially so that you had at least one less worry, but it’s all I have to offer. I’m sending more prayers. Patti

  2. 2 Dana January 10, 2008 at 3:58 pm

    Patti put it perfectly. You ARE strong enough. Just continue to believe in your strength. Know you’re in our thoughts and prayers!

  3. 3 Leah Rumbough January 10, 2008 at 11:33 pm

    Dear Patrice,

    You don’t have to be strong-we will hold you up if you fall. All you have to do is be there–and you are. Don’t be afraid to lean on others who care about you so much and they will help give you the strength you need. You have an army of MOMs and families sending you all their prayers and loving wishes for a better day tomorrow, and the next, and the next. We won’t stop until we get the job done!

    Keep talking to her–she knows you are there, and knows how much you love her. You have all our support, so hang in there.

    You remain in all of our thoughts and prayers.
    and all the MOMs (Mothers of Multiples of Lower Fairfield County, CT)

    P.S. You will always be the mom of Annika, Cole & Lina, and always the mother of twins, one with feet, and one with wings.

  4. 4 Julie Johnson January 11, 2008 at 10:21 am

    You know, I just said to Martin, the other day, Lina is so lucky to have chosen you. Smart, articulate and thoughtful… monitoring Lina’s vital signs and alerting the nurses… Thank goodness she has you! I believe you are so far beyond strong!!!
    My thoughts are with you and please know you can call anytime, 651 two one six 1920.
    More soon,

  5. 5 Maura January 11, 2008 at 11:33 am

    Yes, we will hold you up. Lina is so lucky to have you and of course she know you – her beautiful and loving mother.


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About Me

I'm a grieving mom. I have one beautiful daughter, Annika, who's 3 years old now (born 12/28/04). I also had twins, Lina and Cole, on 10/04/07, born at just 26 weeks. We lost Cole after just 23 days due to complications related to his prematurity. Fiesty little Lina overcame so much and just when she was getting ready to come home with us, suddenly had a complication unrelated to her prematurity and passed away on January 11, 2008. This blog is about getting through it. More...

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