I can’t sleep

Not surprising. I keep cycling through the couple of sites where I have posted our news. Reading the outpouring of love and support from friends and family (and strangers). Please know how much it means to me, every single word.

My pajamas are wet. I’m leaking milk. Milk that should be feeding my baby.  What am I going to do with the freezer full of frozen milk?  I know there are banks.  But I don’t think I’m an acceptable donor. I took antibiotics.  And I think I read on a website that you can’t have spent more than 5 years in Europe since 1984 – or something like that.  I lived in Istanbul Turkey for 7+ years.  I bet that disqualifies me.  They didn’t even let me give blood the last time I tried because of it. I can’t bear to throw it away though.

Did I mention that I got to breastfeed Lina? Once.  When we were giving her a bottle once I asked the nurse if she thought I’d be able to breastfeed. She said “Let’s try at her next feeding”.  She didn’t really get the hang of it.  But she tried.  And I’m so glad I did it.  Thank god for that nurse (Rikki).  I will treasure the memory.


8 Responses to “I can’t sleep”

  1. 1 John and Heather January 12, 2008 at 7:20 am

    We just spent the last few minutes reading your thoughts and the outpouring of support, Patrice. Our hearts are broken for you.

    Despite the distance, your writing makes us feel closer – and I sincerely hope that it brings the same support to you, many times over.

    We send our love and hope to you and your family.

  2. 2 Edith January 12, 2008 at 9:24 am

    Patrice… I am so sorry. I read about Lina yesterday afternoon & I can not get you and your family off of my mind. My heart is breaking for you. I can not imagine the pain you are suffering. It is not fair. You do not deserve this. If I only knew the right thing to say to you… just to help ease some of the pain, beleive me I would say it, but I am not in your shoes… I can only imagine the horrible pain and for that I am sorry. I will continue to pray for you and your family… even though I am sure it is hard for you to believe… God will help you get through this- he did not do this to hurt you. Your babies are no longer in any pain & they are up in heaven together, and one day a long time from now- you will all be back together. I am deeply sorry Patrice.

  3. 3 Aunt Pat January 12, 2008 at 12:31 pm

    Dear Patrice, Esref and Annika,
    Please know that all of you are in our thoughts and prayers. Please know that many Colorado tears have been shed. Thank you for keeping the blog; we will be saving a copy in our family album. May your faith and your memories of Lina, Cole, Gary and Darlene sustain you. We love you.
    Aunt Pat, Uncle Alan, Amanda and Alex

  4. 4 Evelyn January 12, 2008 at 12:51 pm

    Dear Patrice & Esref
    Our very deepest sympathy for your loss a second time. We can only imagine the toll this has taken on you all physically & emotionally. Troy & I pray for you all and hope that you find the inner strength to get through this difficult time.

    May your troubled hearts find peace and comfort in knowing that your family and friends are praying for you.
    And may your broken hearts heal with the passage of time.

    Patrice – It’s so very important to have an outlet to express your thoughts and feelings – so many emotions. So keep on writing in your blog or write in a journal.
    Much love,
    Evelyn & Troy

  5. 5 Valerie Cole January 12, 2008 at 1:01 pm

    Dear Patrice and family,
    You and your family have been in my heart and prayers all week. When reading your email last night I was so saddened for all of you. What you have had to bear this year is more than one can understand or imagine. It is unfathomable grief and pain. I wish I could wrap my arms around you, take away the pain and give you peace. I used to get to hold you in my lap and give you hugs when I first met you. I wish your mother was here to do that for you as well.

    You are strong Patrice. You have experienced great love in your life and you have a strong and solid foundation. Use these to get through — it will take a very, very long time. Cole and Lina will be with you always because you will carry them in your heart for the rest of your life. Keep your faith and hope alive — I know it must be wearing really thin right now.

    Please let me know if I can do anything. I can sit here in tears but that doesn’t seem like much help.

    Much love and prayers,


  6. 6 Natali January 12, 2008 at 1:10 pm

    Dear Patrice, Esref and Annika,
    Our thoughts and prayers are with you at this very difficult and sad time. May you find strength and comfort in knowing that Cole and Lina are two little angels now, and are no longer in pain. May your love for each other help you get through this difficult time.
    With much love,
    Natali, Tom, Brianna

  7. 7 P.Williams January 12, 2008 at 2:58 pm

    I know this can’t be fixed, but keep talking… we’re listening.

  8. 8 Jenny January 12, 2008 at 4:53 pm

    I am so very sorry. Please accept my deepest condolences. I pray that you find peace in your heart again.

    Jenny (from IVFC)

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About Me

I'm a grieving mom. I have one beautiful daughter, Annika, who's 3 years old now (born 12/28/04). I also had twins, Lina and Cole, on 10/04/07, born at just 26 weeks. We lost Cole after just 23 days due to complications related to his prematurity. Fiesty little Lina overcame so much and just when she was getting ready to come home with us, suddenly had a complication unrelated to her prematurity and passed away on January 11, 2008. This blog is about getting through it. More...

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