I’m hurting

I know, that seems obvious.  But it’s changed.  I was sort of numb for awhile.  Couldn’t believe it had happened. I felt like it was happening to someone else. Like I was following (like so many of you) the tragic story of that family who lost the babies.  It couldn’t be happening to me.  Not possible.

And so, although I knew it was happening to me, and I therefore felt indescribably sad and heartbroken, there was some detachment. Something surreal about it all.

Now it hurts.  I mean, like, hurts to breathe.  Breathing feels like it has become a deliberate event. Like if I didn’t think about it, I’d just forget to do it.

It’s still hard to believe it happened to me.  Lina should for sure have been home now. We should be snuggling together, chest to chest in our big recliner, watching the Martha Stewart show. I should be telling her how pretty and strong and wonderful she is.  She’d be approaching a month old (adjusted age – today is her 4 month actual birthday) and she’d be starting to smile.  Real smiles.  I did get a glimpse of what her smile would have looked like.  In the last few days she gave me a couple of those “gassy” smiles.  It was adorable.

Today in the mall it was all I could do not to buy her a whole wardrobe from H&M.  They have the cutest baby stuff.

I still can’t believe it. But what’s more, I don’t think I can accept it.

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1 Response to “I’m hurting”


  1. 1 P.Williams February 5, 2008 at 2:47 am

    I wish I knew what to say. Some magic words that would help to ease your pain, but I think it’s a process you have to go thru. The only thing I think that would help me if God forbid I was in your shoes is to hold Annika tight so that I could feel the reason that I need to struggle back out of the darkness that seems easier to bear.

    I started writing a response to your “guilt” post few days ago but we’ve all had colds and I haven’t been sleeping and I want to make sure I say it right, so I’m still working on it.

    I wish I was close so that I could gather you in my arms and hold you while you grieve. I wish that this was just a bad dream and you could wake up holding Lina in your arms. I wish that life was never this cruel. I pray that God will send his angels to watch over you and that he will let you feel their comforting touch. Patti


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About Me

I'm a grieving mom. I have one beautiful daughter, Annika, who's 3 years old now (born 12/28/04). I also had twins, Lina and Cole, on 10/04/07, born at just 26 weeks. We lost Cole after just 23 days due to complications related to his prematurity. Fiesty little Lina overcame so much and just when she was getting ready to come home with us, suddenly had a complication unrelated to her prematurity and passed away on January 11, 2008. This blog is about getting through it. More...

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