One month

Today is exactly one month since we lost Lina. One month ago right this moment I was holding my little girl’s hand, watching her vibrate with the oscillating ventilator. I was quietly singing songs in her ear and telling her the doctors were going to come and make her feel better (and hoping beyond hope that it was true).

Now I am sitting at my desk at work, crying. Trying to be as quiet as possible so that I don’t attract attention, so that I don’t make everyone around me uncomfortable.

I only just got my e-mail ID reset on Friday afternoon, so now I’m going through my 2000 e-mails (deleting most). I’m coming across so many e-mails written on October 2 (the day I went into the hospital), October 4 (the day Cole and Lina were born) and right around that time. I see an e-mail dated October 3, and all I see is me in my hospital bed, scared to death about what was about to happen to me and my babies. I could still feel them moving inside. I still had all the hope in the world that they would be OK. I see an e-mail from October 8th. That’s the day we found out about Cole’s IVH. October 26th. We were holding our son in our arms as he slipped away from us. It’s just too much to think about the mundane things that were happening while my entire life was changing.

Still in complete disbelief at the path I have traveled. I cannot believe how much this hurts.


12 Responses to “One month”

  1. 1 jennc February 11, 2008 at 1:42 pm

    I am sure it’s surreal to see what was going in the “day to day” while your whole world and life was changing. I am thinking about you and praying for your strength and peace to find your way through all this. I signed up to be a Team Captain of our local March of Dimes March for Babies walk. Thought you’d like to know our Team name is Jelly Beans. My family will be walking in honor and memory of Lina and Cole. ((hug)) jen

  2. 2 CLC February 11, 2008 at 7:53 pm

    I found your blog on “Lost and Founds.” I am so sorry for the loss of your twins. I can’t imagine how grueling the past few months have been for you. I am thinking of you and your family and hope that you find peace.

  3. 3 Jen @ amazingtrips February 12, 2008 at 1:59 am

    You’re in my thoughts, Patrice.

  4. 4 Elizabeth February 12, 2008 at 3:22 am

    I am thinking of you everyday. I am so very sorry. Elizabeth

  5. 5 Feride February 12, 2008 at 8:36 am

    I’ve been scared death to be commenting on your blog cause I didn’t know if I’d say the right things.

    Just know that I’m reading and thinking about you every day.

    Lots of hugs and kisses,

  6. 6 mary February 12, 2008 at 7:16 pm

    Patrice,I can’t believe that it has been one month since that very sad day. I know that the strength that you have within, as well as the support of those around you, will help you to heal and find peace with all that has happened to you and your family. Those sad events that you struggled through do make you and the people who took care of your family ,diffent people. I like to think that in the end it makes us better people in one way or another. I think of you often. Call 7 tower whenever

  7. 7 Amy February 13, 2008 at 3:48 pm

    I found you on Lost and Found. I am so sorry for your losses. I have no words eloquent words or words of wisdom. I am just so incredibly sorry. My thoughts are with you. I wish you peace in your journey.

  8. 8 Kim February 14, 2008 at 5:17 pm

    Hope you are doing ok. We think of you often. Kim

  9. 9 LorMarie February 14, 2008 at 10:51 pm

    Hello, we met at the bereavement support group on Wed. Just wanted to stop by to say that you are in my thoughts.

  10. 10 Michelle in MA February 15, 2008 at 2:31 pm

    My thoughts are always with you Patrice.

  11. 11 Dana February 16, 2008 at 8:56 am

    As always Patrice, thinking of you and wishing there were something I could say or do that would be comforting. Know, that’s not very likely right now. So, just know that you are in our thoughts and prayers!

    Jen – please post a link to your team (if possible) so that those of us who would like to can make contributions in Lina and Cole’s honor. What a wonderful idea for your team!


  12. 12 Stephanie February 19, 2008 at 11:42 am

    I am so glad to hear you attended the bereavement group at the hospital. Five years ago they were what kept me going, the support of the others in that group (though I had wished that this had/would never happen to anyone else). All I can say is somehow you manage to go on, but you never forget. The pain just becomes a little duller. I think of my girls every day. I am thinking of you and praying for you to have strength.

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About Me

I'm a grieving mom. I have one beautiful daughter, Annika, who's 3 years old now (born 12/28/04). I also had twins, Lina and Cole, on 10/04/07, born at just 26 weeks. We lost Cole after just 23 days due to complications related to his prematurity. Fiesty little Lina overcame so much and just when she was getting ready to come home with us, suddenly had a complication unrelated to her prematurity and passed away on January 11, 2008. This blog is about getting through it. More...

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