It’s all the worst

It’s been a week since I’ve written here. Partly this is because I’m back at work – so less free time. Also, I’ve been soooooo tired for some reason. Like, going to bed at 8:30 tired. And last week I had two evening commitments (rare for this homebody). I attended a bereavement support group on Wednesday night, and an actual social dinner with friends on Friday night (for which I drove three – yes THREE – hours to get into the city. Ugh). Actually, those two things alone could account for my fatigue.

Maybe more importantly, the reason I haven’t posted this week is because I don’t feel like I have anything uplifting to say. I’ve been so terribly sad, and I’ve begun to feel like all I have to say is yet another variation on “I miss my babies so much”. Somehow I feel like I should be writing less about that, and more about the things that are good in my life. Like the fact that I have a wonderful husband and an amazing daughter who truly delights me every day. She does. But I’m still consumed with grief. Consumed. It’s almost all I think about. And really, this blog was started for Lina and Cole. And I still have so much to work out. So to that end…

The bereavement group was held at my local hospital (where Lina was for just a few days). I was glad to find it, because I find it helpful to talk about it. It makes me feel like I’m not forgetting. Like I’m keeping them close to me, somehow. As much as I wish no other mother (or father) had to experience what we did, I also find it helpful to hear others’ stories, coping skills, and yes, progress. How people are able to move on. Because I feel like I can’t.

The group was for peri- and neonatal loss, although I think I was the only one (of 6) whose loss was neonatal. Some people expressed how much more difficult they imagined my situation was. To lose my babies after they were born. Sometimes I think the same. If I had just lost them before I’d gotten to know them, before I was crushed and then started to build up hope only to have it crushed again… Maybe that would have been easier. Easier? Maybe that’s not the right word. But maybe it would have been something…less horrific. But then I think, no. At least I got to know my babies. I got a glimpse of their personalities. At least a little. Especially Lina’s. And that’s something. I think how much it would hurt to have a baby, to grow those dreams, and then never even have a moment to share with them (outside). That’s “the worst”, too. 23 days and 100 days. Not enough. Yet each day was a blessing.

I’ve thought a lot about “comparing” loss. I talked about it a bit with Zina, the NICU psychologist. We spoke the day before Lina died, when we were back at Columbia Presbyterian. Zina had just returned from a humanitarian trip to Rwanda. One that sounded fascinating, and that I had imagined hearing about after I had Lina at home and was enjoying our “newborn” time. When I asked her how it was, it occurred to me that she’d been spending time with people who may have seen their entire families tortured and killed in front of them. And here I was, talking about just two little babies…who had the best medical care possible in their short lives and who had an unbelievable amount of love. Should I be putting that in “perspective”? Zina told me that she had thought a lot about drawing parallels, and concluded (if I’m not misremembering her words) that you can’t, really. It’s all “the worst”.

How could I say to someone “oh, but you only lost ONE baby”. Or “at least you didn’t ‘get attached’”. Are you kidding me? I remember what it felt like back when I had “only” lost one baby. I don’t think losing a second one was “worse” – it was just “more”, or maybe “deeper”. I don’t know. But also, I was attached to my babies from the moment I knew about them. And thank god I got attached. As heartbroken as I am, I treasure every moment I had with them. I think not having that would be worse. Yeah, it’s ALL the WORST. It really is.


8 Responses to “It’s all the worst”

  1. 1 LorMarie February 19, 2008 at 1:09 pm

    If it helps to post “I miss my babies” then feel free to do so. Sometimes expressing the grief we feel may provide us with a release that we so desperately need. As for comparing loss, that’s a toughie. When I exprienced mine at 18 weeks, I can remember screaming “Why? It’s a baby by now!” That is not to say that it wasn’t a baby at conception, but I do think that the later the loss, the worse it is. Then again, that is only my opinion and I can’t tell other moms how to feel about early or late losses. Everyone is different. With that said, we grieve on our own timetable as well.

    You’re in my thoughts.

  2. 2 Elizabeth February 19, 2008 at 1:49 pm

    Hi – I lost two little ones one at 18 weeks and one at 21 weeks and it is hard but it seems less real, each pg was a twin pg so each time I had a surviving twin to focus on which made things dramatically easier for me but it still sucks.

    I am glad that you got to the bereavement group, I hope that it helps you.


  3. 3 zina February 19, 2008 at 9:38 pm

    Hi Patrice,
    I don’t remember my words either, though I remember our conversation and you certainly got the meaning right.
    I’m glad you are back on-line. I missed you and was concerned.
    All my best,

  4. 4 Hilary February 19, 2008 at 11:45 pm


    I think right now in your life, there are no “shoulds” as to what you should be doing.

    If you are moved to right an upbeat memory of Lina or Cole than you should. You should also feel free to write a thousand times over, I miss my sweet babies.

    Please be gentle with yourself You are an amazing woman.

    Wishing you strength and peace.


  5. 5 Dana February 20, 2008 at 10:12 am

    Hey Patrice,

    It doesn’t matter what you write – upbeat, sad, angry……this blog is all about you and your needs at this point. We’re all here because of you. Please just continue to use this as YOU need to. We all love and support you.


  6. 6 wannabe mom February 21, 2008 at 2:06 pm

    Just read through your archives and I wanted to reach out and say I’m so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful babies. I’m a fellow grieving parent, I lost my twin girls in 11/06. Both had grade IV IVH, and one had an additional grade II. We went through 6 days in the NICU then had them removed from the ventilators. It’s the worst thing that any parent has to face. I hope that through blogging and getting your feelings out that you will eventually, how ever long it takes, find some hope.
    Hugs to you,

  7. 7 mkate February 22, 2008 at 12:22 am

    “It’s all the worst” makes a lot of sense to me. I think it is impossible to quantify pain and loss. I think we try to place a valuoe on it because trying to measure our pain distracts us from actually feeling it.

    As far as the contents of your blog are concerned, the key words are ‘your blog’. This is here for you to do with what you will.


  8. 8 mindy February 25, 2008 at 3:46 pm

    I received your thank you note earlier in the month. My thoughts and prayers continue for you and your family, especially precious 3 year old Annika. With warm regards, Mindy Agosta

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About Me

I'm a grieving mom. I have one beautiful daughter, Annika, who's 3 years old now (born 12/28/04). I also had twins, Lina and Cole, on 10/04/07, born at just 26 weeks. We lost Cole after just 23 days due to complications related to his prematurity. Fiesty little Lina overcame so much and just when she was getting ready to come home with us, suddenly had a complication unrelated to her prematurity and passed away on January 11, 2008. This blog is about getting through it. More...

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