It was Dreft

After Lina died, I tried to remember what she smelled like. I loved her smell. I knew, though, that if I ever smelled it again, I’d recognize it.

When Cole died, I put all his “stuff” and memories in the pack-n-play we have set up in our room. When Lina died, I did the same. I didn’t have a lot of things for them, but (together with the gifts, sympathy cards & funeral memories) it fills the P&P. I’ve just left it there, in the corner. I don’t really look at it. The other day, I decided it was time to start. I didn’t get very far. I did find a “Patient Belongings” bag that I brought home from the NICU. It contained her laundry – a blanket and 2 or 3 onesies that she had worn. So I put them in the washer. And I used the Dreft. Even though they didn’t really need to be all soft and gentle anymore. It was my last load of laundry for her.

When I took them out of the dryer, I buried my face in the warm fabric. It was Lina’s smell. It was my Jelly Bean. It’s nice to know how easy it will be to trigger those sweet memories.

Cole smelled like baby powder. That’s because, the one and only time I held him, the nurses had gotten him ready, taking off his wires and tubes, and rubbing him in baby lotion before dressing him. I miss him too.


4 Responses to “It was Dreft”

  1. 1 Sarah March 11, 2008 at 1:19 am

    I am a stranger that just fell upon your website (via another blog). Well to be honest, I did awhile ago, but up until now, I haven’t really known what to say. I still don’t really know what to say.

    I just want to say that I am sorry. I know that that isn’t much, and I feel just awful that that is all I can offer you, but I know sometimes it’s nice to know that someone genuinely cares. And I do. I don’t know what you’re going through. I haven’t lost a child. So I can’t help you in that way. But I can tell you how deeply sorry I am. And I have lost very close family (my mother, when I was a child) and it hurts like hell, moving on. I think it is amazing how you are moving on, and loving your daughter, and being grateful for her everyday. I bet she really keeps you going, doesn’t she? She seems like a sweetheart. And she’s beautiful (but I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that, you already know).

    I’ll keep reading. I’m rooting you on. I truly believe that you will get through this, and I think you believe it, too. Just keep on keeping on.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Sarah, in Ohio

  2. 2 Rachel March 12, 2008 at 1:36 am

    I have their outfits that they passed away in, in ziploc bags. I still go into their boxes and smell them. It isn’t fair…you are so right about that. Many, many hugs…

  3. 3 Kim March 12, 2008 at 8:52 am

    That is so great that you figured it out. That way when you need just a little pick me up you can smell their clothes. I think about you guys often. Hope you are doing ok. We’re here if you need us. And it is getting warmer in MN if you want to come and visit:) Kim

  4. 4 jennc March 13, 2008 at 1:42 pm

    mmmmm dreft is a yummy smell, and so is that baby powder. i know you drank her up in that load of laundry the other day. isn’t it funny how a smell can take us back to another place, or bring someone’s presence and memory closer to us? i am glad you found her smell, and Cole’s too. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))))) jen

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About Me

I'm a grieving mom. I have one beautiful daughter, Annika, who's 3 years old now (born 12/28/04). I also had twins, Lina and Cole, on 10/04/07, born at just 26 weeks. We lost Cole after just 23 days due to complications related to his prematurity. Fiesty little Lina overcame so much and just when she was getting ready to come home with us, suddenly had a complication unrelated to her prematurity and passed away on January 11, 2008. This blog is about getting through it. More...

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