Christmas in September?

This is the conversation that’s been repeated in our house about 200 times since the weekend:

Annika: Mommy, tell me the Bambi story.
Me: You mean the Rudolf story?
Annika: Yeah. The Rudolf story.
Me: (singing) Well, you know Dasher and …
Annika: Are they girls?
Me: Who?
Annika: The reindeers
Me: You know? I’m not really sure. But I think all Santa’s reindeer were boys.
Annika: Oh. Sing it.
Me: Well, you know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen…
Annika: I think they’re girls.
Me: OK, maybe. They might be girls.
Annika: Sing it.
Me: and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen. But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?
Annika: Why mommy?
Me: Why what?
Annika: Why he’s the most famous reindeer?
Me: Because he helped save Christmas with his nose. Let’s listen to the song to find out.
Annika: Yeah. Sing it.
Me: Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose
Annika: Why mommy?
Me: Why what?
Annika: Why his nose was shiny?
Me: He was born that way.
Annika: I think he touched something.
Me: What do you mean?
Annika: I think he touched something in the snow. That’s why it’s red and shiny.
Me: Touched something? Like what?
Annika: Maybe he touched some berries. Or some red rocks. That’s why it’s red.
Me: Well, maybe. But really, he was just born that way. With a special nose.
Annika: No mommy.
Me: OK then.
Annika: Sing it.
Me: …had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.
Annika: Why mommy?
Me: Why what?
Annika: Why it glows?
Me: Because he was born that way. And it helped Santa guide his sleigh.
Annika: Oh. Sing it.
Me: ..say it glows. All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.
Annika: Why mommy?
Me: Why what?
Annika: Why all the other reindeer laugh at him?
Me: Because his nose was different. But it’s not nice to tease people because they’re different.
Annika: Why his nose was different?
Me: Because he was born that way. He couldn’t help it. But it was a special nose.
Annika: I think he touched something in the snow.
Me: OK.
Annika: Sing it mommy.
Me: …all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.
Annika: Like what?
Me: What do you mean?
Annika: What kind of names?
Me: Ummmm…(note to self, google the annotated version of the song to remember what those names were)…I don’t know. They called him some not nice names.
Annika: Why?
Me: Because they were teasing him because of his nose. But it’s not nice to tease people because of how they look.
Annika: Yeah. Sing it.
Me: …used to laugh and call him names. they never let poor Rudolf join in any reindeer games.
Annika: What kind of games?
Me: Oh, like Monopoly…and football…
Annika: What’s Monopoly?
Me: It’s a game some people play.
Annika: Oh. Why they didn’t play games with him?
Me: Because they were being mean to him because he was different. But they’re going to find out how special his nose is pretty soon.
Annika: Oh.
Me: Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say. Rudolf with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight. Then all the reindeer loved him (whew, that’s quite a stretch!)
Annika: Why mommy? Why they love him?
Me: Because he saved Christmas. His nose is going to help Santa see in the storm so that he can bring presents to all the good boys and girls. See how special Rudolf’s nose is?
Annika: Yeah. He helps Santa see in the BIG WHITE STORM. Sing it.
Me: Then all the reindeer loved him, and they shouted out with glee
Annika: What’s glee?
Me: Glee means happy. They were so happy.
Annika: Why they were so happy?
Me: Because Rudolf saved Christmas with his bright nose. He helped Santa see in the storm.
Annika: Oh. Sing it.
Me: …and they shouted out with glee. Rudolf the red nosed reindeer, you’ll go down in history.
Annika: (pause) Sing it mommy.
Annika: That’s the end.
Me: Oh. Again mommy.

And repeat, almost verbatim again…and again…and again… It’s going to be a LONG time to Christmas if we’re starting in September (we’re not the only ones starting though…Target already has 2 aisles of Christmas stuff).

So you’re probably all wondering where I’ve been. I can’t believe I didn’t write all summer long. Annika and I spent the summer in Turkey (Esref joined us for 3 weeks). I actually thought I’d write a lot over the summer. That was my intention. Writing last fall and spring really helped me…process. It felt good. But inertia is a powerful thing, and it’s hard to get going again. Plus, I was with Annika 24/7 and that doesn’t leave much time for reflection, let alone writing about it. Not that I’m complaining. It was a good time for us. Mostly.

So anyhow, I’m not sure exactly what this blog will become. I want to keep writing. But I’m not sure I can make it be just all about my grief. Like I’ve said before, how many different ways can I say “I’m still so sad”. So we’ll just have to see. I still cry almost every day. I’m still angry about the path my life has taken. The next few months will probably be agonizing, as we pass the first anniversaries of the most horrible events of my life. In fact, it was right around now last year that I was taken out of work with the first signs of pre-eclampsia. But things got better, so I was optimistic.

Anyhow, if you’re still with me, thanks for being there. We’ll play it by ear.


7 Responses to “Christmas in September?”

  1. 1 zina September 23, 2008 at 8:52 pm

    Hi patrice,
    I’ve looked for your blog all summer. It’s good to hear from you again in whatever way you choose. And lovely Annika makes me smile broadly….
    Best to you all,

  2. 2 Feride September 24, 2008 at 2:48 am

    Evinize hosgeldiniz hayatim! Iyi oldugunuza cok sevindim. Komik Annika’yi da cok op benim icin. Sevgiler

  3. 3 Sheri-ct September 24, 2008 at 8:52 pm

    I missed your blog and I’m glad you’re back. ((((HUGS)))

  4. 4 Nicole September 25, 2008 at 12:25 pm

    I’m glad to see you back again and wish good blogging–in whatever form that takes for you–in the future.

  5. 5 jennc September 30, 2008 at 10:02 am

    of course we’re still with you! so glad to see you back. the rudolph story is adorable…i can just picture you going through the whole thing over and over and over, i know she never ceases to amaze you.(((HUG))) jen

  6. 6 Robin B. October 1, 2008 at 8:02 am

    I’m here… glad you’re blogging again. Sending a big hug your way. šŸ™‚

  7. 7 Fotograf slubny Gdansk April 13, 2013 at 6:04 am

    It’s going to be finish of mine day, except before end I am reading this great paragraph to improve my knowledge.

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About Me

I'm a grieving mom. I have one beautiful daughter, Annika, who's 3 years old now (born 12/28/04). I also had twins, Lina and Cole, on 10/04/07, born at just 26 weeks. We lost Cole after just 23 days due to complications related to his prematurity. Fiesty little Lina overcame so much and just when she was getting ready to come home with us, suddenly had a complication unrelated to her prematurity and passed away on January 11, 2008. This blog is about getting through it. More...

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